Star vs the Worst RPG Ever
by Kokorozec
Summary: After losing a bet with Janna, Marco finds himself forced to play FATAL, the worst game in existence! Star, being the idiot she is, thought this was good fun and invited a bunch of other people to join the horror. Will they survive? Probably not.
1. A FATAL encounter

Chapter 1: A FATAL encounter

 _In the reaches of space, on the surface of the planet Earth, a mysterious figure named Byron Hall created a game called FATAL, intending it to be the next best thing since Homestar Runner. Instead, it went down in history as the worst RPG ever created. It was said the horror was so great, that most died before they even read through the manual, if not from going mad from the revelation then from old age because the damn thing was 900 pages long. According to all historical findings and testimonies from survivors, there are only three documented instances of the game ever being played. The first was an ill fated attempt on 4chan, which is said to have caused massive internal hemorrhaging of all bodily organs from everyone involved, ultimately resulting in a casualty count that rates in the dozens. The second attempt was a TV Tropes forum, which lasted for 5 days before the moderation cracked down on the eldritch horror taking place on their site. By this point, the only surviving player was permanently banned, convicted of war crimes by The Hague, and sentenced to death by firing squad._

 _This...is the story of the third game..._

"I cant believe this! I just cant believe this!"

Marco Diaz paced back and forth, still unable to fully comprehend the magnitude of it all. "How did I lose? HOW? I stayed up till THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING writing down those plans on my napkin! All those plans! And like an angel's kiss, they were gone! You and your stupid pancake helicopters..."

The girl walking beside him adjusted her beanie. "Oh dont be such a spoil sport Marco," said Janna, "I was just simply better prepared for that game than you were. There's no need to get so upset~"

Marco was on the verge of pulling his hair out. "There is EVERY need to get upset! Someone must have cheated. YOU must have cheated. Better prepared my ass!"

Janna smirked, casually putting her hand down Marco's hoodie. "Well, the way I see it, ytou still lost. Now, I could just spring your punishment on you, but I figure I'll make it fun by letting you choose your fate! I've got two options I've been cooking up for you in the event you lost the bet."

"Uuuuuugh, whatever, lay it on me." At this point, Marco just wanted to get this humiliation over with.

"Weeeeeeeeeeelllll, option number one is going on a date with yours truly."

"Very funny Janna."

"Aw come on!" she began, equal parts joking and defensive. "There's nothing malicious in this whatsoever. Probably."

"Look, you and I both know that this "date" is just a set up to embarrass me further, or something like that. I'm not even sure what you're planning, but whatever it is, it's probably bad! Gimme the second option."

"Uuuuh, really? You sure? Because I'm pretty sure that option two is a helluvah lot worse..."

"Just tell me what it is!" he shouted, their discussion now attracting the attention of about a dozen other folks who didn't have anything better to do.

Janna sighed, and figuring she had no other option, guided Marco down to her locker. For once, this abomination was stored in someplace that actually belonged to her, and wasn't a secret compartment in one of Marco's various places. Punching in the appropriate 9 digit password combination, a secret vault in the back of her locker opened; a single book, bound with chains, contained within.

"Well...here it is." She slowly unlocked the chains and dusted off the immensely thick book, the air around them feeling more foreboding with every passing moment.

"That's it? That's just a book? And an RPG book at that."

Janna chuckled. "Not just any book, Marco my boy. THIS is an abomination known as FATAL."

Marco grabbed the heavy tome and eyed the lurid cover with suspicion. "Fantasy Adventure To Adult Lechery? What kind of acronym is that? Could they BE any more redundant?"

"That's only the beginning, Marco my sweet. Though I'm sure you can tell by the black aura surrounding the book and the dark whispers. You're hearing those too, right?"

"Y-yeah...I dont know about this..."

Janna's eyes suddenly lit up. "Really? If you're having doubts, there's this really nice Chinese place down a couple blocks that-"

"Fuck it, we'll play."

The game was set for later that evening. But many things happened in the space of time between setting up the game and Marco getting back home. For one, Janna told a certain magical alien princess about this set of circumstances, and may or may not have grumbled to her about Marco's refusal to trust her. Of course, all Star Butterfly cared about was the fact that there was a "game" about to be played, and before they knew it, she decided to drag along other people and make it a "contest".

So by the time Marco went to meet up with Janna in his living room, he noticed it was filled with at least a half dozen other characters, which seemed to include "Buff Frog", Tom, Star herself, and Jackie Lynn Thomas of all people.

"Janna?! What are all these people doing here?" He turned towards Jackie. "What's she got on you? If she's holding you hostage, I can-"

"Marco!" Star bounced up in his face. "You're not gonna BELIEVE what I was doing today! So like, Janna mentioned you guys were playing a game, and since that sounded like super fun I decided maybe I should play too! But you know what's even funner than that? Bringing even more people in! So I may have called up a few people I know."

Marco breathed deeply, still trying to wrap his head around all this. "Okay, fine, that explains you, since you're deranged enough, no offense. But what about everyone else?"

Tom was the first to speak. "I actually came here of my own accord. I've always wanted to witness the malicious power of FATAL in action."

"I was told there would be prizes." said Buff Frog

"Actually, I dont even know what I'm doing here. Last I remember was eating that rotisserie chicken, and then I woke up here..."

"Ugh, Jackie," said Janna, clearly annoyed, "you cant just sniff a whole tub of glue first thing in the morning and expect there to be no consequences! Didn't you learn your lesson from last time?"

"Fuck you man, you cant take away my glue."

When he got out of this, Marco thought, he was going to have to rethink his whole "crush on Jackie" deal. But for now, he had to survive this game.

"So, I know I was the one who brought this game out of the darkness, but it's our hunky demon boy over here..." she trailed off as she admired Tom's body.

"AHEM" coughed Marco.

"Right right right! Anyways, Tom is the guy who knows what the whole "prize thing" is supposed to be about. Take it away, cutie!"

"Call me "cutie" again, and I will break your clock." he growled, "But about this game. Accounts are apocryphal at best, what with only two games ever being attempted on earth until now. However, what I DO know is that the "winner", as in the last person surviving, is blessed by the game with the unholy powers of all 4 chaos gods, the armies of hell, a Draconequus as a steed, and two packs of gum. So they say."

"I'm mostly in it for the gum!" Star interjected.

"Ugh...let's just get this over with! I have math homework I need to finish."

The six doomed souls gazed upon the book again, the foreboding aspect of having to dredge through 900 pages to even begin the game in the first place. Had they noticed, however, the dark aura surrounding the Diaz residence, cutting the players off from the rest of the world as they reached for the book, they would have destroyed it on the spot. For indeed, the claims of FATAL's hellishness were not exaggerated in the slightest, and the horrors of the abyss began encroaching towards them, attracted by the signs of imminent despair.

It was about to get far weirder and wilder than anyone ever wanted.


	2. Where the dice make no sense

Chapter 2: Where the dice never make sense

For three silent minutes, they sat there, unwilling to touch the book, unwilling to begin the horror that was FATAL, perhaps planning to make a break for it, even though that was impossible by now. Finally, after a series of stares by everyone else, Tom sighed and cracked open the eldritch tome. The moment he did, however, was when shit really began to hit the fan.

He had barely even opened to page one before and all consuming mass of shadow burst out from the book and spread around the room. The mass of darkness swirled into a violent whirlwind, threatening to suck everyone up to the ceiling. After a few moments of making a wreck of everything, the darkness consolidated itself into a spheroid with tentacles, hovering a few feet above the ground.

"Greetings, pitiful mortals!" The amorphous shadow spoke with a demonic rasp, like one would expect such a thing to speak with. "It appears that someone was FOOOOOOOLISH enough to pry open the forbidden book of FATAL, and attempt a game!" It proceeded to laugh heartily, oblivious to the fact that nobody was particularly amused, least of all Marco.

"Give it a rest! I just want to get through this stupid game, and I reeeeeaaaalllly don't need any spooky black ball of spookiness trying to impose on us. Now, can somebody figure out how to create characters?"

The black entity's tentacles drooped. "You...dont find me intimidating?" it asked in a voice that sounded genuinely disappointed. "But I'm the evil spirit that dwells within FATAL! Surely, you must feel at least a small amount of apprehension, right?"

"Well...*snort*...if that means feelin high as Kim Il Sung's approval ratings, damn straight.."

"Jackie I think you have a serious problem." said Janna. "And that's coming from me."

"Oh shut up already!" The dark entity's tentacles seemed to flare out. "Look, whether you find me intimidating or not, I am the evil spirit of FATAL, and as such I am REQUIRED to function as a Game Master if no suitable candidates are available. So deal with it."

"It's true," sighed Tom, "he's got a whole page in Everything You Wanted to Know About Demons but Were Afraid to Ask. We're kinda stuck with him."

"I've had enough of funny business." Buff Frog said, grabbing the rule book. "Give me character creation. I shall design fancy character. He will be handsome, like me."

The shadowy entity seemed to cackle softly. "Eheheheh, good luck with that buddy."

Janna reached into her pocket and pulled out a couple of small objects. "Well, lucky for you guys, I managed to bring along a few dice of various forms, and a coin. Do we need anything else?"

The creature seemed to ponder for a moment. "According to ancient wisdom, it is said that one needs 2d10, a gaming mat which I will provide, since nobody ever brings those, and of course, basic algebra."

"Actually, is just listed in rule book." The frog-man pointed to the page in question.

"Ah yes, that reminds me!" the entity boomed, picking its demonic voice back up, "I have a series of WAAAAAAAAARNINGS I have to read out to you guys! Mwahahahahahaha-"

"Could you just get on with it and let us play this stupid game?!" Marco shouted.

The tentacled entity's voice dropped once again to normal volume. "Look, kid, I'm literally required to read out the warnings. If I dont do what I'm created for, reality itself will fall apart at the seams when I invariably combust. I'm sure your demon friend over there can back me up."

"Again," Tom began remorsefully, "he's right. It says so right here in the second paragraph that if he's not allowed to perform his roles, it WILL destroy reality. Don't ask me how, you wouldn't understand."

"RIIIIIIIIGHT! And now without further adieu..." The mass of shadow and tentacles began floating up towards the ceiling, extending its appendages to cover the surface. "This game contains various adult content including but not limited to: explicit violence involving organs, sexual contact, sexual perversion, sexual lust, rape, anal rape, violent anal rape, the fusion of your vaginal and anal orifices, molestation involving anal rape, encounters in brothels that end in anal rape, hyper realistic blood, and controversial racial humor. Viewer digression is advised!"

Everybody in the room, Janna included, began to feel increasingly uneasy, which is saying something when you're already dealing with an eldritch abomination in your living room. Buff Frog, however, was more concerned with actually trying to figure out the science of character creation while the monster was reading off the warning label. After a few confused minutes, he had reached a conclusion.

"I give up. You try character creation."

And with that, he flung the book at Marco, which hit him square in the jaw. "Oww, what the hell man?" he yelped, the impact leaving a clear bruise on his left cheek.

"Book hurts my head. You create character first. Test dummy, as Ludo would say."

Marco grumbled at having to be the guinea pig for this rpg, and flipped through the book to figure out where a good starting place would be. Finding the "gender and race" section, he figured it was a good of a place as any. "Hmm...let's see here...you've got your standard humans, light and dark elves...uh, why are dwarves divided into 'white, brown, and black' again?"

"REEEAAAAAAALISM!" the entity roared.

"Right. Three varieties of trolls and ogres, something called an...Anakim?" He looked over to Tom. "The hell's an Anakim?"

Tom shrugged. "Some kind of demon thing I think. I hear they're kinda annoying."

"Well, it seems to be the race that has by far the most attention given to it. And if I'm going to be stuck playing this stupid game, might as well have some fun with it."

The entity acting as the GM fluctuated a bit, as if it was calculating something. "Player "Marco Diaz" is registered as "Anakim"! Congratulations! I hope you like copious amounts of special abilities and additional modifiers."

Sure enough, Marco merely had to look a little further to find a full string of modifiers he'd have to tediously add up to various stats later on. Some particularly ludicrous stats caught his eye.

"Hand-eye coordination? Spatial awareness? Math? What kind of stats are these?! Why am I playing an RPG if one of the main concerns is whether my character can math properly?"

"At least you guys have +5 sexual adeptness." snickered Janna. "Anyways, I think you have to roll a d10 to determine how much weird shit you end up with."

Marco picked up one of the provided d10's and gave a roll, coming up with a six.

"SIX, SIX TRAITS!" the GM entity roared. "AH HA HA!"

"Hooooooooooold the sugar plums there, cowboy! I've noticed a little inconsistency here!" Star yanked the book out of Marco's hand and held it in front of the shadow. "You just told us all we needed were 2d10, but right here it says we need to roll out of 100! What game are you-"

"THE DICE NEVER LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!" the GM "countered".

"Wonderful." groaned Jackie, who had just now begun to pay attention. "Not even a minute into the game and the dice are already telling us bullshit."

"Suspecting false advertising." added Buff Frog.

Despite the absence of proper dice, fortunately Star was able to use her "Leviticus Roleplayus Kakastium!" spell to conjure up a nice d100, which more resembled a golf ball than a dice. Marco rolled it the appropriate amount of times, getting 40, 56, 31, 43, 26, and 68.

"Well," he began, "apparently my Anakim has the odor of sex, casts no reflection, able to cast Frosty Touch and Totally Not Magic Missile once per day, angers easily (not surprising considering he has to deal with being in this game), and can turn rocks into silver once a week. That was entirely necessary and not obtrusive in the slightest."

"To be honest, I was expecting something a little more exotic." grumbled Janna.

"Do not fear, mortals!" the shadowy GM began, "For there is plenty more room for exotic features, because soon enough, you'll have to roll for SEXUAL FEATURES! Woooooooooo!~"

Nobody was particularly enthusiastic about this at all, least of all Marco. "I fail to see what my penis size has to do with-"

"REEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALISM!"

Marco promptly buried his hands in his face for a moment before getting the resolve to continue, figuring that at the very least, he could avoid whatever horrible prank Janna was up to if he survived this madness. Right as he was about to roll for abilities, he saw that it required FOUR d100, for each statistic, which made him lose that resolve all over again in favor of nitpicking.

"Oh come on!" he complained, "Only need 2d10 my ass...might as well have called this game _Liar's Dice_ if you ask me."

Janna put a hand on his shoulder, partially for comfort but mostly just to get his attention. "C'mon Diaz, it's not so bad. After all, the whole dice business is relatively mundane compared to the other shit that's in this book."

"Eh...I guess you're right, no point in complaining too much. Might as well get this over with, even if I still dont understand how "enunciation" counts as a skill. Or why ranking low on "vocal charisma" makes me sound effeminate." With that, he began the arduous process of rolling for irrelevant statistics and adding various modifiers. Thankfully someone had a calculator on hand, otherwise everyone would have gone insane in a short span of time. After about 10 minutes, they managed to churn out all of his stats for "sub-abilities", which amounted to him being ridiculously strong, average charisma in all forms, bad hand-eye coordination, above average agility yet below average reaction time (what?), some other stats that he paid little notice to, and the lowest being "common sense", which made sense considering you'd have to lack any of it to agree to play this game.

"Thank god, I'm FINALLY done with that." Marco looked like he was about ready to pass out from sheer monotony. "Somebody else can deal with chara-"

"Uuuuuuh, yeah, about that..." said Tom awkwardly.

"Yep! Now you have to roll for physical characteristics!" Star interrupted. "Aint that grand?"

Marco reacted like any sane person would by standing up and banging his head against the wall repeatedly, forcing the others to attempt to roll for him. Of course, they quickly found that this system was just as ridiculous, if not even more so, than the sub abilities system.

"Okay..." pondered Star, "this apparently results in Marco's character having a head circumference of 29 inches. Are those typically vital to battle on Earth?"

"Not in the slightest." said Janna.

"Is not very helpful toward women character either." Buff Frog pointed out. "Pretty much all but states they are stinky dum dumbs who need man in life. Heavily reactionary. Gives stat penalties."

"Ah yes," snarked Janna, "I do love it when people use tabletop games to plug their personal views."

"I am required to inform you," interrupted the entity, "that if your BMI is above 30, your character will not be able to see his manhood."

Everyone decided it would be best not to query further. Rolling the rest of the statistics, during which Marco joined in halfway through due to being done banging his head against the wall, they came up with what seemed to be the rough appearance of Marco's character. Apparently, among other things, he was nearly 9 feet tall, weighed nearly 500 pounds, but was apparently a healthy weight according to the BMI (which had to be calculated to, much to everyone's annoyance), and long flowing hair. Satisfied, Marco picked up the character sheet to review everything they've accumulated so far.

"Right...so my guy is a giant half-demon whatever with beautiful flowing hair, yet is super heavy, and his "least attractive feature" is his feet. Sure, that makes sense. Now, tell me, why again did we have to solve square cube law to determine this guy's weight?"

"EXTRA DEPTH AND CHALLENGE!" the entity yelled

Well that was helpful. Now, with that out of the-"

"Actually, now you have to roll for social class and shit too." sighed Tom.

"WHAT!?" Marco was about ready to throw the book at the shadowy entity. "Okay, tell me, what sense does it make rolling blindly for things that _in any other game I could pick freely_? Marriage status? BIRTHDAY? Why the fuck do I have to-"

"ADDED REEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALISM!" the GM repeated.

"When I get out of here, I am going to fucking kill you for putting me up to this." Marco snarled, to which Janna only responded with a chuckle. Seeing Marco all angry was cute, after all.

"Waaaaaaaaaaait a sec, give me that!" Star once again grabbed the book out of Marco's hand, spotting something she didn't like. "It says here that serfs are middle class. Do these people even know what a serf is? Because I live in a feudal kingdom and-"

"THE MASTERS HAVE SPOKEN, SERFS ARE MIDDLE CLASS!"

Star had finally lost her patience, and with the utterance of a "raspberry tornado swirl!" she blasted a vortex of superheated jam at the tentacled entity. Unfortunately, all this did was make it shout "YOU VIOLATED THE NON AGGRESSION PRINCIPLE" and proceed to get into a slap fight with our fair princess.

While all that was going on, everyone else focused on figuring out what Marco's social standings were according to the various charts. After solving another set of equations and dodging the flailing tentacles from the GM, they concluded that Marco's character was a slave, a bastard, unhappily married, an only child, and for whatever reason was born on September 7th. By this point, they were used to having to roll for mundane things, so they didn't really question it.

"Welp, your social position certainly sucks." Jackie commented.

"It's not like I had many options." explained Marco. "I have a 97% chance of rolling either a slave, serf, or peasant, with the rest being royalty. So, you know, you only have a 3% chance of starting with the money to actually do shit. At the very least, now I'm finally over and..." he noticed that Tom was about to speak up, "...there's more, isn't there."

"Yep, apparently now we're on the...ahem, sexual features."

Marco once again buried his head in his hands. "Just end my life already."

 **A/N: Coming up next is SEXUAL FEATURES! Will Marco roll an acceptable anal circumference? Find out next time, whenever I feel like posting the next chapter!**


End file.
